You know that in your everyday lives, you have quoted, memorized or repeated a line from Seinfeld that makes you laugh uncontrollably...I have about 500 of these but one of my favorites was when "Crazy" Joe Davola left this message on Jerry's machine:
--Jerry, Joe Davola. *Pbt.* *Pbt.* *Pbt.* I have a hair on my tongue; I can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? 'Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm going to put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again

What's yours?

Frank Costanza when George gets arrested for bootlegging movies and they are at the precinct and he and Elaine are arguing:

Frank: "Who put you up to this? My boys not smart enough to hatch a scheme like this"
Elaine: "You got that right!"
Frank: "What the hell does that mean?"
Elaine: "It means whatever the hell you want it to mean."
Frank: "Are you saying....... you want a piece of me?"
Elaine: "I could drop you like a bag of dirt."
Frank: " You want a piece of me?!! ...........You got it!!"

The out takes of that scene are hilarious.

George: So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?
Jerry: Well...actually, we kind of broke up.
George: You what?
Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them.
George: . . . she scooped her niblets?
Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.




HAL: What is that smell?
ELAINE: What smell?
HAL: I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it.
ELAINE: No no, oh, you know what that is? I um, went claming the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.
HAL: Claming?
ELAINE: Yeah, clam and scallop. I clam and scallop.

JERRY: Oh God, it's Joe Devola.
GEORGE: Who?
JERRY: This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine.
JERRY: Oh God he saw me.
DEVOLA: Hello Jerry.
JERRY: Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?
DEVOLA: You're under no obligation to shake my hand.
JERRY: Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD.
DEVOLA: Why shouldn't I look good?
JERRY: Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?
DEVOLA: You want to hit me?

Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing
for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my
friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that
there's anything wrong with that...

George: No, of course not...

Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are...

George: Absolutely...

Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends...

George: My father is gay...

Sharon: Look, I know what I heard.

Jerry: It was a joke...

George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right
now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!

Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!

George: No!

Jerry: No steam!

Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!

George: How do women know about shrinkage? (They see Elaine walking down
the hall) Elaine! Get! (She enters) Do women know about shrinkage?

Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?

George: No.

Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...

Elaine: It shrinks?

Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine: Why does it shrink?

George: It just does.

Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Kramer: What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!

Kramer: "RUSTY!!!!!!!!!!"



Jerry: "I don't wanna be a Pirate"


My favorite isn't really a line because no one speaks. Elaine gets into art and starts doing sculpture. Unwittingly, she makes a sculpture that looks a lot like a female body part. Everyone who sees it just tilts their head and their jaw drops.

Jerry: Can't you see what's going on here...no boxers, no briefs....say it ain't so...

Kramer: Oh it's be so...I'm out there Jerry and I'm LOVING every minute of it!! I'm free, I'm unfettered...I'm like an innocent naked boy roaming the countryside!"

Kramer: Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?
Jerry: How was the rest of Death Blow?
Kramer: Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy had it comin' to him!
Jerry: Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!
Kramer: He's quite a character, isn't he?
Jerry: You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind!

I actually have used portions of this dialog from time to time....

Jerry talking to George:

....You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.

Kramer: Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?
Jerry: Sniffing, with his nose.
Kramer: Jerry, he probably had a cold.
Jerry: No, I asked him.
Kramer: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I don't know, you know, what if...?
Kramer: Drugs? You think he's on drugs?
Jerry: I don't know. All I know he was sniffing.
Kramer: Jerry, listen, we went in on a CD together.
Jerry: I know.
Kramer: And Newman gave you money too. I didn't even meet this guy. We trusted you.
Jerry: Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing.
Kramer: Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?
Jerry: No, he didn't use 'man'.
Kramer: I mean when he was leaving did he say I'm splittin' ?
Jerry: No, but in one point he did use the bathroom.
Kramer: Whoh!
Jerry: Do you think that's a bad sign?
Kramer: Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?

I would have to look it up, but one of my favorite monologues was by Mr. Bookman the library cop.

'I've got news for you Joy-boy'

I could do this all day . . .

KATYA: He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me.

JERRY: Oh, why not?

KATYA: It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in.

JERRY: Really?

KATYA: In my country, they speak of a man so virile, so potent, that to spend a night with such a man is to enter a world of such sensual delights most women dare not dream of. This man is known as the "Comedian". You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld, but you are no Comedian.
********************************************************************************
***********************
GEORGE: Um, excuse me, I - I think you forgot my bread.

SOUP NAZI: Bread -- $2 extra.

GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread.

SOUP NAZI: You want bread?

GEORGE: Yes, please.

SOUP NAZI: $3!

GEORGE: What?

SOUP NAZI: No soup for you!
********************************************************************************
**********************
I use this one all the time:

George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!

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Jerry's Girlfriend (Jamie Gertz)
no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square

********************************************************************************
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Every time we have Salmon or Tuna:

George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.

Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

Gotta stop there . . .

Is anyone here a marine biologist?!??

Definitely my favorite line and one of the best written episodes.


But the best rant was Kramers' in the Engagement episode, just after Jerry and George made the 'pact':

Jerry: I had a very interesting lunch with George Costanza.
Kramer: Really?
Jerry: We were talking about our lives, and we both kind of realized we're kids; we're not men.
Kramer: So then you asked yourselves, "Isn't there something more to life?"
Jerry: Yes! We did!
Kramer: Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something: there isn't.
Jerry: There isn't?
Kramer: Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about Jerry? Marriage? Family?
Jerry: Well ...
Kramer: They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time! You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. (pleading voice) "Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?"
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.
Jerry: I can?
Kramer: Oh, yeah! You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You talk about your day! "How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? I don't know, how 'bout you, how was your day?"
Jerry: Boy!
Kramer: It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs.
Jerry: I'm glad we had this talk.
Kramer: Oh, you have no idea!

All mine from The Yada Yada

Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!

Jerry: I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.
Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person.
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian.

Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

Kramer, inspecting Jerry's van: "So, how come you're selling it?"
Jerry: "You know why I'm selling it. I hate it."
Kramer: "How many miles?"
Jerry: "Two."
Kramer: "City or highway?"
Jerry: "Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?"
Kramer, breaking the antenna: "Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be
pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for
that."
Jerry: "All right, just get out of here."
Kramer: "All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the
van."
Jerry: "OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'"
Kramer, pointing to the newspaper ad: "Well, I don't really have any money.
But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'."
Jerry: "You put that in!"
Kramer, pulling out an undershirt: "And I'm glad I did. Here."
Jerry: "You want to trade me an undershirt?"
Kramer: "No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He
took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it."
Jerry: "That's disgusting."
Kramer: "Well, it's my final offer."

Possibly my all-time favorite Seinfeld moment...

ELAINE: You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.

One of my favorite lines comes from the episode where Steinbrenner thinks there is a bomb in George's desk. The bomb squad sends in a robot, mounted with a camera, to examine it. Watching from Steinbrenner's office, the squad has the robot open up the top drawer in George's desk, revealing a Snickers bar and a copy of Playboy. And Steinbrenner utters:

"Empty calories and male curiosity, eh Georgie?"

This is my favorite:

(in Jerry's apartment)

Kramer: [phone rings, Kramer picks up the phone] Hello... What Delay Industries?
George: [yelling from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say Vandelay!
Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment.
George: [rushes out of the toilet with his pants on his knees] Vandelay! Say Vandelay Industries!
[falls down]
Kramer: Yeah, no problem.
[hangs up phone]
Kramer: How did you know who that was?
Jerry: [enters apartment, sees George lying on the floor with his pants on his ankles] And you wanna be my latex salesman?

Jerry to Newman, while standing in line at Kenny Roger's Chicken...

Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.

Then Newman responds, "I happen to love broccoli," and then takes a bite, spits it out of his mouth and yells "Vile weed!"

"honey mustard! quick!"

KRAMER: Mr. O'Neill?
O'NEILL: Yeah.
KRAMER: Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me.
O'NEILL: I can give you an autograph there, but my pen's kind of screwed up. You'd only like half a "P" or something.
KRAMER: No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits.
O'NEILL: Sure, I could help you there.
KRAMER: Sure, well I promised you would hit him two home runs.
O'NEILL: Say what?
KRAMER: You know, Klick!. A couple of dingers.
O'NEILL: You promised a kid in the hospital that I would hit two home runs?
KRAMER: Yeah, well, no good?
O'NEILL: Yeah. That's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?
KRAMER: Two is better than one.
O'NEILL: That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter.
KRAMER: Well, Babe Ruth did it.
O'NEILL: He did not.
KRAMER: Oh, do you say that Babe Ruth is a liar?
O'NEILL: I'm not calling him a liar but he was not stupid enough to promise two.
KRAMER: Well, maybe I did overextend myself.
O'NEILL: How the heck did you get in here anyway?

Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
[/quote]


This is one of my favorite Seinfeld lines also...

My favorite is the short and concise: "That's a shame."



The outtakes are amazingly funny. It's hard not laugh at Jerry Stiller.



Kramer had put all his underwear on Jerry's table because he wasn't going to use it anymore.

Jerry says to Elaine while looking at the table: "That's it I'm gonna have to move!"




That is classic.



I called a friend a few years ago and invited him to come over for a heavyweight fight in a couple of weeks. He said he had to ask his wife first. She wouldn't let him go for some reason or another and while he's telling me he can't come I hear that exact scene in the background and he just starts laughing.




Trivia some might not know: Larry David is the voice of Steinbrenner.

Cosmo Kramer: The bus is outta control. So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel, and now I'm driving the bus.

Jerry: Wow.

George Costanza: You're Batman.

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, ya know. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door, ya know, with my foot, ya know, at the next stop.

Jerry: You kept making all the stops?[i]

Cosmo Kramer: [i]Well, people kept ringing the bell!

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.

Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

LD was the off camera voice in many episodes. It never really dawned on me until I started watching Curb Your Enthusiasm and recognized his voice.

In the episode where George is convinced the diner lady stole his $20 LD is the guy at the very end who tells His Majesty (George) that they don't take bills with lipstick on them.

Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.

Jerry: I went out with you.

Elaine: That's because my standards are too low.

Another interesting piece of trivia is that Dick Jauron played in the NFL.

Elaine: Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads.

That's the spirit!

"I'm out!"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty!"

"I HATE The Drake"

"Why don't you just tell me what movie you want to see?"

"Anybody can TAKE a reservation. The key is HOLDING the reservation"

Mulva

From :50 on, this is awesome!

Stan The Caddie to Kramer "Go for the green".

ELAINE: So, you think you're sponge-worthy?

link

"My Boys need a house!"

"Up here, I'm already gone!"

and the best:

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!"

************************************************************

Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.

************************************************

That is awesome! Unfortunately I have yet come across a situation to use it.




I love it when he looks into the woman's closet and she has cases of sponges!!

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[At Yankees batting practice]
George Costanza: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant.
[Hits a home run]
George Costanza: It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now, who are you again?
George Costanza: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George Costanza: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George Costanza: In six games.

**************************************************

George Costanza: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
Cosmo Kramer: What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
Cosmo Kramer: Hole in one, huh?

*********************************************

George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.

*********************************************

Noel: I am breaking up with YOU.
George Costanza: You can't break up with me, I've got Hand.
Noel: And you're going to need it...

I gotta stop I could go on all night.

lol.......great scene

Alright, here's more:

Jerry: This isn't a good time.
Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?
Jerry: I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
Telemarketer: Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
Telemarketer: Umm, no.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.
[hangs up phone]

**************************************************

Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!

**************************************************

Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross: Why?
George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."

*****************************************************

Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George Costanza: I'm king of the county. You?
Jerry: I'm lord of the manor.

*****************************************************

Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Jerry: Who?
Cosmo Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
Jerry: Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not a chicken.
Cosmo Kramer: Of course it is. I picked it out myself.
Jerry: Well, you picked out a rooster.
Cosmo Kramer: Well, that would explain Little Jerry's poor egg production.

*********************************************

George Costanza: They gave me my own personal Rascal, Jerry.
Jerry: Well, it's comforting to know that you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles per hour.

Linky

I don't know, I loved Seinfeld don't get me wrong, but the lines/scenes aren't really funny on their own. Scenes were great because of the delivery of the actors, the context of the crazy situations the characters were in, and the conext of the viewer's perceptions of the characters.

If I had never seen the show and didn't know anything about it, most of these lines wouldn't get much of a reaction. They need context.

*****************************************************

*********************************************

haha...that is a classic!

I like to stop at the duty free shop!

George: "Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"

That whole scene is great..

GEORGE: Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it.

Did you call her?

JERRY: Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there.

GEORGE: So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?

JERRY: No actually, she took it pretty well.

GEORGE: So what happened?

JERRY: She's into it.

GEORGE: Into what?

JERRY: The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said

she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.

GEORGE: That's unbelievable.

JERRY: Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that

you know me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.

GEORGE: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin

to do it?

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes

everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to

grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new

bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting.

I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.

... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

GEORGE: If only something like that could happen to me.

JERRY: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.

GEORGE: I know.

George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail.
Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: Duty.
George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.
George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...

I like to stop at the Duty Free Shop!

Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica Industries.
Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.

I forgot about that one!